120 Best Chuck Norris Jokes

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round as we venture into the realm of the extraordinary, the superhuman, and the outright unbelievable.

You may have heard of a man known as Chuck Norris.

Oh, who are we kidding, of course you have!

The man, the myth, the legend – he’s done it all, seen it all, and made a point to leave us flabbergasted at every turn.

Now, it’s important to remember, these are not simply Chuck Norris jokes or facts.

No, they are snippets of a universe where Chuck Norris reigns supreme, a testament to his over-the-top persona that has been adored (and feared) for generations!

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
2. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
3. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
5. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
6. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
7. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
9. The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris before going to bed.
10. When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
12. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
13. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
14. Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
16. Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.
17. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
18. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
19. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t age. Time is too afraid to affect him.
21. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
22. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow. The wall just wants to be like him.
23. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After five days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
24. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
25. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
26. Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.
27. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the real-world economy.
28. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now simply known as The Islands.
29. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder. He then won the lottery.
30. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
31. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn’t correct you. It runs away.
32. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
33. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.
34. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
35. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
36. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
37. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
38. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
39. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
40. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
41. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a GPS. The universe knows where he’s headed.
42. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
43. Chuck Norris once kicked a bull in the face and created the first unicorn.
44. Chuck Norris doesn’t climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on them.
45. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
46. If Chuck Norris was a vegetable, he’d be a Chuck Norris.
47. Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your life with his words.
48. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
49. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
50. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
51. Chuck Norris once got stuck in a revolving door. It is now known as a treadmill.
52. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
53. Chuck Norris makes Happy Meals cry.
54. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
55. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
56. Chuck Norris’s cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.
57. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
58. Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.
59. Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.
60. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the world down.
61. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
62. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to understand the Internet. The Internet needs to understand Chuck Norris.
63. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
64. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
65. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
66. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
68. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
69. Chuck Norris can speak French… In Russian.
70. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
71. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
72. Chuck Norris once climbed Mount Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he spent building a snowman at the top.
73. Chuck Norris doesn’t write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.
74. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
75. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
76. Chuck Norris once made a weeping willow laugh.
77. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
78. Chuck Norris can turn the tables… with his mind.
79. Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move: a roundhouse kick to the face.
80. Chuck Norris’s email address is Gmail@chucknorris.com
81. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways.
82. Chuck Norris doesn’t use the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
83. Chuck Norris doesn’t need an umbrella. Rain knows better.
84. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
85. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
86. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to change the past. He has never made any mistakes.
87. When Chuck Norris cooks, the ingredients pre-heat themselves out of fear.
88. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
89. The early bird gets the worm, unless Chuck Norris is hungry.
90. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
91. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
92. If Chuck Norris were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark.
93. Chuck Norris doesn’t predict the future. He decides it.
94. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
95. Chuck Norris can pop popcorn in the husk.
96. When Google can’t find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.
97. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
98. When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.
99. Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
100. Chuck Norris once caught a cold just to see how it feels. The cold didn’t survive.
101. Chuck Norris’s hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
102. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
103. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
104. Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
105. Chuck Norris can find the end of a rainbow.
106. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
107. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin on his computer.
108. Chuck Norris can unring a bell.
109. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
110. Chuck Norris can make a Happy Meal cry.
111. Chuck Norris can remember the future.
112. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
113. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
114. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
115. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
116. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
117. Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.
118. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
119. Chuck Norris can watch 60 Minutes in 20 minutes.
120. When Chuck Norris was born, he gave the doctor a slap on the butt and said, “Good job.”

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There you have it, folks! A list of some of the most hilariously outrageous Chuck Norris “Facts”!

But remember, in Chuck’s world, the word ‘fact’ takes on a whole new meaning.

The only fact we know for sure is that the legend of Chuck Norris is larger than life, forever cemented in our pop culture history.

Whether he’s outrunning his own shadow or simply deciding what time it is, Chuck Norris continues to keep us laughing, gasping, and shaking our heads in disbelief.

Here’s to the man who can do anything and everything… except, of course, be outdone!